So in three short weeks my life will end up altering greatly. My Master's degree will be finished, my job will end because it is a requirement of the job that I be a student, and I will officially join the ranks of the unemployed. Hopefully, the unemployment will be minimal and I will be able to secure employment within a month or two after graduation. As odd as it feels, thinking of all of these pending changes to my life, they are not on the forefront of my mind recently. There are more pressing matters at hand. For example, one thing I have been spending much time meditating and thinking in general about is my future domicile. I am not sure at this point whether I am going to stay where I currently am or move out and, if I do either, it will only be a temporary situation until I find out where I am going to have a career. It honestly does not seem as though I am going to be changing my entire life within less than a month. There are other choices I also need to make, and those I have more control over. Ironically enough, those choices are the most difficult of all to make and will, in part, determine the direction I go. If life is anything, it is unpredictable and constantly in flux. My calendar's advice for the day was to "Make a decision and stick to it." Sadly, I do not think there will be any concrete decisions made today unless I have an epiphany within the next few hours. My horoscope said that today I am likely to be "overwhelmed." That seems the more likely of the two scenarios. Tomorrow is another day. At least, for the next 5 days, I do not have work or academia plaguing me. I can take this time and count it as a mini vacation. I just don't think my mind will end up taking much of a vacation...

Yes, I know, nearly two months since the last posting and it never ceases to amaze me how busy life can be. As of now, I have managed to finish the attendance of my practicum, am winding down with my classes, and in five short weeks I will successfully have completed my Master's degree. Today I even applied for a job and I hope I get it. It is my dream job. Applying for jobs can be taxing and time consuming, but when you apply for one that you genuinely desire, it can make you nervous too because then you end up counting the days until you may possibly hear something back.
Anyways, it is also interesting that this semester has by far been the most odd of all my graduate semesters. Have you ever been in a situation where you are finally about to get everything that you always wanted, and then right before you get it, you realize that what you wanted is not at all what you want anymore? A similar situation is currently happening to me. In addition, it terrifies me to think of wanting anything other than what I have been working so hard for so long to achieve. What is the point of all that hard work if the end result is not even something that will make you happy? Then, does it make sense to go into that situation knowing that it will possibly not make you happy, but that you don't want to waste all that work, so you reap the benefits of the end result. Instead, the correct and more noble choice would be to chuck away fears and go with your gut feeling and end up daring to imagine a different type of life for yourself. There are too many people who go into something just because they feel that others "expect" that of them or because "everyone else is doing it." What a stupid reason to continue doing something that clearly makes you unhappy. The truth is that very few people who work hard for something, even if that something ultimately will make them unhappy, will have the courage to change paths. It is scary to change directions when you finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Changing directions means that you get to travel back into the darkness and uncertainty and who knows where it will lead you? I don't know where it will lead me and I have no idea if I even have the courage to take the dark and uncertain path when I am clearly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

This semester is flying by way too fast already. The first day of Fall was this past Tuesday, I only have one more week before Thiel's homecoming and then the start of my second class, not to mention my time on my practicum is flying by and I am scrambling to find time to crochet and look for a job. Sigh. I guess I want to have my Masters so I can move out so it is good that time is flying, but it just took me by surprise nonetheless

Last night Patrick Swayze died after a nearly two year battle ith Pancreatic Cancer. As one of the most stunning men ever in acting, he will be missed by friends, family and countless fans like myself. It is a bittersweet event as while he will be missed and mourned for, his suffering has now come to an end.

Tonight I am certain without any shadow of a doubt in my mind that I would be perfectly blissful living by myself. Everyone else in the house left for a time tonight and I got to watch tv, crochet, drink wine and even bake some comfort food (of which chocolate was included, of course). It was such a relief to not have people in my vicinity and be able to relax, ponder things, wonder about other things and generally unwind in a way that I seldom have the opportunity to do. For now, this brief moment of time, I am at piece. Oh and by the way, the book i am now reading is motivating me to practice more yoga and meditation...

I have accepted that there is nothing to do about things beyond my control and thus far, I have gone through the day without any further mishaps. It is almost time for the weekend and I have no plans but to relax and enjoy the time off. Hopefully the sunshine will be out to keep me company in the next few days. It is sort of like the calm before the storm...next week is sure to be a busy one

It is now just after 5:30am and I cannot sleep. Of the two dreams I have had tonight, the second one was both less and more disturbing. I believe the first of the two was less intimidating because it had that unrealistic quality that most dreams possess. That quality where the dream may seem to be scary or even down right terrifying during the dream, but afterward, when you are awake, it seems to fade away into an insignificant existence.
The second of my two dreams was much worse because it entailed an air of reality of events that I would like very much to happen but have no control over making happen. I woke up unable to sleep for fear of dreaming of the very same subject matter and it is one that lurks in the shadows of my mind. It is one of past events that happened over three years ago and yet they still haunt me. As much as I push these events to the back of my mind, it still bothers me that the control needed to change how these events unfolded or, better yet, to make future events happen in order to mend past ones, is no longer mine. I am completely dependent upon another in order for such events to occur and I hate that.
In my dream, speaking of the past issue that still (at least according to my subconscious) haunts me, I was able to finally confront the other person, tell them everything exactly as I would like to tell it and they even understood me. The relationship was mended and the idea that everything worked out so well (I suppose this is the air of unreality present in dream 2) left me feeling slighted when I awoke to find things just as they were when I fell asleep. Over time, these events have moved deeper and deeper into my mind, and, most of the time, I feel as if I have managed to forget them completely. I realize that they are now part of who I am and that they will creep up to haunt me at the most unlikely of times. I doubt they will ever be resolved. Perhaps the reason I am managing to mend problems perfectly in my dreams is because lately I feel that my life is almost to where I want it to be, but not quite. There is also nothing I can do to hurry along this process and so I remain subject to the passing of time.
Here is how I feel this morning...
My skein is tangled
Pass the yarn
Cats run in the wild

Perhaps the reason I love to play with yarn so much is that I can always bend it and shape it however I want to. I feel in control of it. Not so with life. I think I also have such a bond with cats because they are able to live the carefree life that humans want to lead. Humans have too many demands already set upon their time, but cats can do as they choose, when they choose, how they choose. How nice that would be!

Summer has flown by. Most of it spent working in the air conditioning, drinking wine outside, and jaunting as many weekends as possible anywhere outside of my current residence. This is the last week before the Fall semester starts. The way my life is scheduled it appears that this will prove to be the busiest semester yet. However, it is also my last as a student for a while. The next time I enter the academic atmosphere it will be from the other side of the table. On that note, I have already begun the tedious yet necessary process of employment searching. With any amount of luck, I will become employed with a more permanent position within the next few months and can figure out where I am going after I finish here. It is so much less stressful to search for employment while already being employed (even if my current employment is on a temporary basis). I fear that very soon I will not have nearly as much time to career search as I do now and the semester is sure to fly by; as all of the previous ones have. I can only hope that I am gainfully employed soon and that I can put forth as much time as possible this fall in my quest for an independent existence.

It is only after I visit him that I am reminded how empty I feel when I am not with my love. These past two years have been a roller coaster with us being apart and only able to see each other but once every few weeks. I miss him so much and I count the days until we can be in each other's arms again and not have to spend the bulk of our lives apart. I feel as if I am a better person when I am with him and he makes me feel like I can fly. I get to see him in less than a week, but for someone as in love with him as I am, I wish it were sooner and can barely wait until the next weekend.

Nothing makes me happier than being with my Scoogie. When I am with him time does not matter, all I can see is him and all he can see is me. We are in our own little world and everything around us becomes a hazy blur. Our emotional and physical attachment is too strong for any natural forces to ever break. I count the days until I will once again be with him every day instead of a few days every other week. I can't wait to be with my love...